10 Signs I'm *That* Midlife Dad (And Fine With It)

Midlife parenting means having unshakable pride in your music taste — and how you acquired it.

1. I Constantly Do the Maths. If my kids have kids at the same age I did, I’ll be pushing ninety by the time I become a grandparent. Ninety. Let that sink in.

2. Do They Think I’m Grandpa? At my daughter’s kindergarten, I wonder if other parents think I’m a very hands-on grandparent. It’s all in the head tilt-and-smile when they hold the door for me.

3. I’m Balder Than a Baby. When my first kid was born, she had — to my eyes, at least — a full head of hair, while I was already on my way to shiny bald glory. Who wore it better? Not me.

4. My Music References are Now History Lessons. Pavement, Neutral Milk Hotel, A Tribe Called Quest: it’s like a hipster dad playlist from a time before Spotify. My kids may never understand.

5. Snow White Is Closer to Me in Age Than My Daughter. That’s right. The first Disney movie ever made is somehow a generational peer, and I’m feeling personally attacked.

6. I Have to Explain Relics from Children’s Books. “See that thing in Goodnight Moon? It’s a rotary phone. You had to turn the dial with your finger.” Cue blank stares.

7. I’m the Fun Police at the Movies. I took my daughter to the cinema and found myself tsking every time she rustled a sweet wrapper. Who am I? What have I become?

8. Customized Arch Support Is a Thing Now. My Stan Smiths and Red Wings have hidden secrets: orthopedic insoles for plantar fasciitis. Style meets survival.

9. I Could Be a Zero-Proof Sommelier. I'm now that guy who can tell you the subtle notes in every non-alcoholic IPA on the market. "This one has hints of tropical fruit and... responsibility."

10. I’m Not Chasing Gains; I’m Preventing Pains. Between lifting my son from his cot and carrying a toddler who's "too tired", I have to work out just to stop myself from throwing my back out.